Author’s note: I don’t want to take the wind out of this by talking about it too much, so let me just say that all this is the result of a tough night of praying and struggling through issues of sin, repentance and worship. It wasn’t easy, but my prayers got through and God answered.
This piece is a little bit of the aftershock of that night.
It dawned on me today. I realized that I can’t stand believing all this. Believing in God. Believing that He’s there. Taking His Word for it that He is always right.
I’ve followed for years. Living out this faith the best that I can, but now it just hurts.
You spoke to me when I was a boy, showing me that I wasn’t alone; that I had a God looking after my affairs. I heard your voice and it made everything all better.
You have shown your glory. You’ve changed my world. You showed me why I was made.
But that was all a long time ago. I have believed for so long and now I don’t know where I am.
My eyes have avoided impure things. My mind has resisted impure thoughts. I’ve chosen the path of least temptation. I pushed back all the fear and doubt. But now it’s accumulated and overflows out of my heart.
I’ve closed my eyes a thousand times and did as I was told, but I’ve yet to stumble across the abundant life that was promised. I bowed my head one last time saying over and over again,
“I believe…I believe…I believe…I believe…”
…and it’s not enough…
Was I lied to all this time? Was it all crap? Did I make up the sound of your voice? Did you lie…?
It can’t be fake. The might of your glory has been there too often. But now where are you? Where’ve you gone. I don’t hear you anymore. You’re not here.
I can’t just believe it anymore.
I’ll go find you. I’ve seen your glory and there is nothing else like it. None can challenge your claim to the throne of Eternity.
You’re not lost. You’ve just moved. You’re always up to something; doing something new. And it is always better than the last thing.
Why would I settle for less than you? I haven’t seen your face, but you’re the most real part of my life. Anything else is just second rate leftovers next to who you are.
I’m not seeking my own glory, nor respect, nor honor. I’m not looking for fulfillment, enlightenment or even salvation.
All there is…is You. That is enough.
What else could I do? Go back to my gods of people, money and prestige? Why? I’ve seen their Maker.
All this I have seen and believe and it’s all just a glimpse; the slightest taste of what’s to come. You will only become greater in my sight as I seek you more.
That is my only option.
You are in the valleys, you look out from the mountain tops and you are lord over both. It will be you who delivers from rising waters and the shearing cliffs. And I need to trust that you’ve got me.
I believe and always shall. That was the beginning. You found me and turned me ‘round.
Now it’s my turn to give chase; my chance to pursue you…
…so here I come.